Its another day and as usual my first thought is Ciara. During the night, I woke many times with dreams of her, but thanks to my sleeping tablet, I fall back to sleep.
When I wake, I know within the first five minutes what type of day I will have. Yesterday was good. I think of her all the time even on good days, but on a bad day, the tears flow constantly. I could be in the supermarket or sitting in the carpark waiting to leave, and the tears suddenly start to flow and when I try to suppress them, I can’t.
The Autumn is here the days are getting chilly and light becoming in short supply. I dread the winter months ahead. Thoughts of dark evenings are filling me with dread. It’s a panicky feeling. Not just lonely, but I also wonder what will I do with my life.
I am so lonely. I have not only lost my daughter but a friend. Someone who loved me, loved me unconditionally. When she was in primary school she told me that when the girls in her class asked her who her best friend was? Her reply was, ‘My mammy,’ and she’d also say, ‘I don’t care that they laugh at me. You are my best friend.’
Later in life, she would tell me I have a big nose, or my hair looks awful, only as a best friend would say, she was just honest, and she cared.
I’m, so fucking angry. Why did this happen to me and my family?
This morning I found a Mothers Day Card while I was looking for the neck massager. The massager was in the cupboard above the microwave. The cupboard was a collection of junk; I found a paper clipping from 6 years ago from Packies 90th birthday.
I found a pink mothers day card. I honestly had never seen it before, but I knew it was from Ciara. Written on the right side in pencil it said To mammy. I love you. , and on the left page is written on the bottom also wonder it said Thanks for all the years.